I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
