they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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