I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
