I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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