feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
