its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
