Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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