I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
