i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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