She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
