if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
