i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
