i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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