This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The air taste purple.
Randomize
