I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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