Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
