So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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