Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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