There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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