it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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