I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
