awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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