I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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