It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
pray to the hookup gods
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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