i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
