The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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