I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
