The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
