Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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