i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
