the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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