I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
