I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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