Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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