he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
