Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
