i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My balls are so social today.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
