What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
