I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
