Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
