she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
