a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
