I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
