My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
