Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
