my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
my poor anus
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
