My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
