dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
