I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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