Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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