i jhust puked up my retainher.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
