Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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