Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
