Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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