Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
