hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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