Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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