I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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