Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
