Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
