Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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