I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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