you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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